I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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