you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
please come you make the beer taste better
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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