He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
True strength comes from lack of pants
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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