the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
