Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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