I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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