I'm so fucking centered right now
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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