God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
