My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
third nipple confirmed
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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