I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
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He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
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The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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