i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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