my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize