I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
