Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
