So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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