More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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