had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
