Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Randomize
