my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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