apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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