There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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