I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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