I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
