It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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