And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
If its not for food we ain't going out.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
