can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
My vagina just clenched in fear
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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