Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
