Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
