i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
