jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
if i can run in heels then i can drive
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If I die, sorry about rent.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
