I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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