6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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