I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
