I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
