Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
