They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
please don't ironically join a cult
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