just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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