i think i have herpe
just one?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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