I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
