I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
