I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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