i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
