I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
4 words: hood of his car
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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