the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
