i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
