yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We had to coat check the pizza.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
