your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
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Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
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You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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