dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize