the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
