some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
