I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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