Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
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