I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
