so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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