I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
