If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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