i need an iv and a liver transplant
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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